Wednesday, November 24, 2010

On being Heard, Acknowledged, and Loved. Prepping for the Holidays.

If there is one thing that I can share with you this Holiday Season that has made a huge difference for me in dealing with my family and loved ones is really understanding the extent to which I have been driven by the desire to be HEARD, ACKNOWLEDGED, and LOVED.  And if I am honest with myself , it really comes down to the fact that I’m an acknowledgment junkie at heart. Just about everything that I do or say is rooted in this existential narcissistic need. It is this need that has me, do the right thing, show up on time, smile at the right moments, say certain things, not say other things, accomplish great tasks, achieve levels of success and on and on.  On the flip side it also the need that is responsible for me feeling “not good enough,” less than, and at other times has had me become passive aggressive, angry, and shut down.  I’ve actually distinguished 2 characters that have emerged in this dynamic… "Shasheen the Great" and "Shasheen the Horrible." I’m either feeling the love or not, and in both instances the places that it takes me don’t really serve me at all. Somewhere in there is Shasheen. (More on that in another post) Each one of these characters are highly sensitive and show up in response to the feedback that I get from my environment.  Its pretty amazing to watch.  The pendulum can swing from one end to another by sometimes the simplest comment, gesture, or lack thereof.  That’s what’s going on the inside. :)   On the outside I’ve developed strategies to keep the expression of these personalities in check.  But man it’s a lot of work and I’ve done a lot of work, read a lot of books and taken a lot of seminars that have told me that its an inside job and how I need to be the source of my own satisfaction, love, and acknowledgment.  While I continue to move in that direction, being around loved ones and especially family can immediately turn me into a narcissistic needy and sensitive little child if I'm not careful. Its truly amazing!

One of the things that I’m most grateful for this year is that as a coach, consultant, and my work in the Pink Elephant Project, I've had the privileged of being let into so many lives and so many situations which have provided such an incredible reflective mirror for me to see for myself how the dynamic that I have experienced has been playing out in the lives of others.  And from the seat that I sit in, I’m here to report back that you that I'm not alone and if any of this resonates with you, you're not alone either.While its great to have this awareness, the real freedom for me has come from stepping out of my own narcissistic needs and recognizing that:

EVERYONE around me is in their own version of this conversation –

What that says to me is that at any given moment, what I’m needing from a conversation and interaction is exactly what the other person is needing as well. It really makes things kind of crazy when you think about it…all of us needy souls running around LOOKING to others for the same thing that others are LOOKING for from us.  On the other hand, when I keep this in mind it does give me great insight and provides me with an incredible amount of compassion and understanding in the dynamics that unfold in those uncomfortable moments when dealing with family and loved ones.

The challenge that I’ve found for myself time after time is that when I don’t get what I want, I’m not willing to give what it is that the other wants. Or the other version is that I feel as if I've given over and over again and have not received anything in return.  It feels frustrating, disappointing and at some point I end up shutting down or lashing out.  It’s the good ole Fight or Flight response. Its as if I play the game of being HEARD, ACKNOWLEDGED or LOVED as if it was some kind of Zero Sum game. When I get honest with myself, in most cases everything I've been asking for is right there but I’m not hearing it or experiencing it because its not being delivered in a way that I want it to be delivered. I heard once that as human beings we behave as if we are the directors of some incredible screen play and that we get frustrated and angry with the cast on a regular basis for not following their lines.  The problem is that in most of the cases we’ve never given the cast the script.  What I typically do is tell them what I don’t want rather than what I do want or how I want it. Interesting, huh? What I have found is that if I can keep this dynamic in mind I can really approach all of my interactions with the ones I love with a much greater compassion and understanding and avoid getting tripped by the triggers that have been set off in the past.

The question that I have for myself that I will pose to you: During this Holdiay, knowing that all it IS that your family and loved ones want.... is to be HEARD, ACKNOWLEDGED, and LOVED….who will you be able to provide that for and who are you unwilling to provide that for. The bonus question: For those whom you are unwilling to do that with… WHY? Is it because you don’t feel HEARD, ACKNOWLEDGED and LOVED by them?

Hmmmmmm....? Processing that one right now... :)

And don’t be shy…bring the Pink Elephant Promise with you, read it again, and share it with the loved ones in your life. You have a vested interest in strengthening those relationships as do they. The holidays may not be the appropriate time to have some conversations but by Observing what’s going on in your head, being responsible for your interpretations of your experience, and setting the stage with the Pink Elephant Promise my hope is that you are able to take your relationship with the loved ones in your life to the next level.

As I continue to do the work I look forward to sharing with you what it is that I'm learning. So grateful to all of you. Wishing you, your family and loved ones a beautiful and loving Holiday Season! So much to be Grateful for!

From the heart

Shasheen Shah

Would love to hear your thoughts and if so moved please feel free to repost!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Meet the Founder on Where's My Guru with Jessica Durivage

Here's a link to the most recent radio interview on Where's My Guru with Jessica Durivage: What is the Pink Elephant Project and how it works.  Check it out online!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

"What is it that you're saying to me that you feel that I'm not hearing"

Today a more tactical strategy for averting a complete breakdown in communication: The power of the sentence "What is it that you're saying to me that you feel that I'm not hearing."   Right now I'm in one of the most incredible relationships that I've had in my life and regardless of how "aware" or "communicative" I think I am, at the end of the day there are moments in time where I find myself in a conversation that ends up in total breakdown.     The Pink Elephant Promise is great, it really has allowed for a momentary pause and a commitment to find a resolution much faster than I've ever experienced in my life.  However even in the conversation that ensues, I find that my triggers get activated sometimes with out knowing that they are being triggered.    I've actually found myself in some conversations where I can actually see myself uncontrollably going down a path of destruction.   Its as if I'm watching myself about to jump off a cliff and the other me is saying "Noooooooooooooooooo!  Dont do it, don't say it!"  While I've been getting better and can sometimes stop and pause, there are other times when its too late, and I find myself right in the heart of an old pattern of communication reminiscent of a frustrated teenager living at home.   I can actually watch myself growing more and more frustrated, my voice getting louder, and I'm starting to talk faster.  Its like a snowball running down the hill gaining velocity with each word coming out of my mouth.  And with each word, the intended outcome and resolution drifts farther and farther into the distant future.    We both walk away shut down, frustrated, and a bit passive aggressive.   

Time to pull out that Pink Elephant and try again!  

After watching this pattern in myself over and over again I can say I've made some progress.  I understand where the pattern has originated, I've communicated the triggers that seem to set me off, and I've also learned how to clean up my own side of the street and take responsiblity for the mess I've created, but that gets old after awhile.   
At the core of this pattern is a desire to be heard and understood and I think that its nothing more than a fundamental human trigger that can get the better of us at times.    There are many versions of the pattern and what's most crazy is that we do this to the people that we love and love us the most.   
In our commitment to communicate in one of our Pink Elephant conversations it became clear that when either of us is getting frustrated it typically comes from a desire to be heard and understood that is apparently not being fulfilled.    

Since then we've both agreed that in the event that either of us see the other starting to get frustrated we've agreed to simply pause and ask the other  

"What is it that you're saying to me that you feel that I'm not hearing?"    

What we have found is that such such simple words said with love can tame the the wildest beast with in us.  

What do you do in those situations?   Would love to hear from you!  

From the heart!